Doris Kearns Goodwin (is not Susan Polgar!!!) The two of those people are not the same They’ve got different jobs and were born in different countries The two of those people have different names! Doris Kearns Goodwin (is not Susan Polgar!!!) My girlfriend mixed them up, but they’re not the same! She mixed them up once, but I wrote this song To immortalize her error and eternalize her shame Doris Kearns Goodwin writes history books And you know that Susan Polgar is a chess GM I checked and chess is different from books But apparently my girlfriend can’t distinguish them This is a picture of Doris Kearns Goodwin I’m holding it up while I’m recording this verse And in my other hand is pic of Susan Polgar And my girlfriend thought that this one was her! Doris Kearns Goodwin is not Susan Polgar!!!! If you ask if they’re the same, then the answer is NO I think that a BABY could tell them apart But my girlfriend mixed them up and I REFUSE TO LET IT GO I CALL MY GIRLFRIEND OVER AND I OPEN UP A WIKI GO TO DORIS KEARNS GOODWIN AND I HIT CONTROL F I TYPE INTO THE SEARCH TWO WORDS: SUSAN POLGAR AND IT SAYS ZERO HITS, BUT I’M NOT DONE YET I CHECK ALL OF THE PHOTOS AND I CHECK ALL OF LINKS AND I SAY TO HER “MY GOD” WERE YOU WRONG? YOU ANNOYED? AND I TURN AROUND TO SEE HER FACE AND FIND THAT SHE IS GONE AND ONCE AGAIN I’VE PROVEN THAT I AM VERY SPECIAL BOY Sometimes we fellas might be kinda dumb Sometimes we fellas say stuff that we shouldn’t But you ask a fella who the hell is GM Susan Polgar You bet your ass he won’t say that it’s DORIS KEARNS GOODWIN DORIS KEARNS GOODWIN (IS NOT SUSAN POLGAR!!!) ONE OF THEM BEAT MY ASS AT CHESS WHEN I WAS YOUNG IT WASN’T DKG, BUT MY GIRLFRIEND THOUGHT IT WAS, So I bring it up to shame her anytime that I feel dumb!

Caroline, oh, Caroline, the apple of my eye Why won’t you drop that booty on my face so that I die Why won’t you climb a ladder and then drop upon my head Why won’t you drop that ass upon my face to make me dead PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE! Caroline, oh Caroline, my sweet romantic fire Why won’t you drop that ass upon my schnoz so I expire Why won’t you fetch a stepstool and fulfil my greatest hope? That you body-slam ass-first upon my mouth so that I croak PLEASE, PLEASE…...PLEASE………..please Now some might say that you shouldn't kill your lover Even if it's what they've kindly asked But dead and glad I'll be in heck With head caved in and peepee wrecked If you cock that booty rifle and shoot my stupid ass, c’mon Caroline, oh Caroline, the one that I love most Please slam that rockin’ booty down and turn me to a ghost Please clap those magic cheeks and grant my horny last request From ten feet up, drop ass on me and grant me horny death Kill me with…your butt!!

Me and the boys on the court, a couple hoops behind Rec league braggin’ rights right on the line The other team’s smashin’ us we’re takin’ our lumps On top of all that my ass is ready to dump Well they take down Luigi, and his ankle’s inflamed Ref says if we’re short a man we’re outta the game Those a-holes are laughin’ on their victory lap And you know my ass is still just brimmin’ with crap When right at that moment my butt let loose With a fart so strong it took the ball to the hoop And my fart let a fart knocked ‘em down and it dunked And the other team shouted but the ref said with a shrug: There’s no rule, no rule at all That says a fart can’t play basketball He’s hittin’ his shots, yeah he’s nailin’ his hoops Even though he’s got no body and he smells like a poop I said there’s There’s no rule, no rule at all That says a fart can’t play basketball He’s bustin’ their ankles he’s movin’ so fast Even though he’s just some beans I tooted outta my ass My fart farted hoops farted dunks and slams And soon we started winning ‘cause I crapped in my pants He was wherever we needed, front, center, and back Filled the whole dang court because his body was gas He was queefin’ and farting every time he would shoot I just stood there in awe, my shorts fillin’ with poop He was moving like Irving, had a body like Shaq He was like if Michael Jordan squirted outta my ass When the other team’s lawyers all appeared on the court Sayin’ a fart’s not allowed to play a human sport Well my fart grew and grew to towering haze And in a language made of farts he bellowed out this legal phrase: There’s no rule, no rule at all That says a fart can’t play basketball From way downtown hittin’ nothin’ but net Even though he’s half a dookie that my b-hole just let I said there’s There’s no rule, no rule at all That says a fart can’t play basketball Droppin’ threes to the beat, droppin’ heat, droppin’ dimes Even though he smells so bad the lawyers say it’s a crime Well the other team tried to fight fire...with poop [POOP POOP POOP] All squatting on the court and all trying...to poop [POOP POOP POOP] But the best they could do was....regular poop!!! [POOP POOP POOP] And then the ref blew his whistle ‘cause...we’d won the game!! No rule, no rule at all That says a fart can’t play basketball As he rose to the sky, put his hands to his heart And spoke this in his language made of dookie and farts He said: There’s no rule, no rule at all That says a fart can’t play basketball And winning is nice, but the friends that we make Are all the farts and dookie that we poop on the way Winning is nice, but the friends that we make Are all the farts and dookie that we poop on the way

Hey. My name is Spider-man. And I love New York City...whoa-oh-whoa But this city is awfully spooky when it gets so dark. SCARY. I wish that I could turn off the dark Some places that I swing to, are very, very bright And other places I swing, are a little bit dimmer, whoa-oh-whoa And some places that I swing to are very, very dark, SCARY I wish that I could turn off the dark Thwip, thwip. Swingin’ through the dark Thwip, thwip. And the dark is so dang dark! My name is Spiderman! My name’s not Spider-Lamp I wish that I could Turn. Off. The Dark. Cars, some guitars, a radio playing NPR These are all things that I can turn off, yeah Lights, some bikes, MJ apparently every single night But I can’t turn off the D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-DARK Hey, I’m Spiderman, that’s some pretty nice dark you got there It’d be a shame if someone turned it off Is what I’d say, if I could turn off the dark I wish that I could turn off the dark. Thwip, thwip. Swingin’ through the dark Thwip, thwip. And the dark is so dang dark! With great dark power, comes great turnin’ off responsibility I wish that I could turn off I wish that I could turn off I wish that I could turn off the dark

And it goes, and it goes, and it goes like this… MWAHAHAHAHA! Yeah! Yo guys check it out. Guess what happened to me? (Another crazy story? Come on, COUNT DRAC) I was hanging at the court, drinking some blood Slurping on the blood (yeah you drink a lot of blood) When I heard the fans scream thought because of the blood But ‘twas a shadowy figure! Drinking blood! It was Draquille O’Neal, so incredibly tall! The vampire who is good at basketball! He said “this court is mine! Play! Or die!” I told him why not, for I have infinite time (C’mon Count Drac. Your stories are whack. One-on-one with vampire Shaq?) I said Count Draquille, prepare to eat mud As I stomp on your ass and I drink lots of blood Bleh! (Bleh!) I put it in the hoop like bleh! (Bleh!) I heard the crowd screaming out bleh! (Bleh!) I swear that I’m throwing you the facts That’s how I beat DRAQ Bleh! (Bleh!) I put it in the hoop like bleh! (Bleh!) I heard the crowd screaming out bleh! (Bleh!) I swear that I’m throwing you the facts That’s how I beat DRAQ I used my undead powers and my deadly thrall To quickly gain a lead with the basketball I laughed in his face, shouting “suck on my loins!” But then he drank some blood then he scored a lot of points! I devised a plan to reverse the pace “Draquille, look behind you! A wooden stake!” He went to check it, and I STOLE the ball back I tossed it in the air, then I turned into a bat! The ball was too big, so I changed right back Then I scored three points then I turned into a bat! Bleh! (Bleh!) I put it in the hoop like bleh! (Bleh!) I heard the crowd screaming out bleh! (Bleh!) I swear that I’m throwing you the facts That’s how I beat DRAQ Bleh! (Bleh!) I put it in the hoop like bleh! (Bleh!) I heard the crowd screaming out bleh! (Bleh!) I swear that I’m throwing you the facts That’s how I beat DRAQ Dunking the dunks Drinking the blood Cheerleaders scream “drink all our blood!” Dunking the dunks Drinking the blood Cheerleaders scream“drink all our blood!” The announcers were shocked at my game with O’Neal They said “O’Neal has lost! Also vamps are real!” In winning I was kind, a gracious sport I turned into a bat and took a dump on the court O’Neal, he wept, as a loser does And the fans were going nuts, and I’m drinking all their blood I was the total winner, the sexy killer Then I heard a voice that sounded just like my familiar’s! “You’ve gotta get up, you’re late for vampire stuff!” I say “I’m playing a ball! And I’ll drink all your blood!” “You make that threat, Count, far too often” “And how can you be playing when you’re sleeping in your coffin?” Asleep in my coffin, what the fuck it wasn’t real? I dumped on the court and it felt so real But if it was a dream, if it was all fake How’d I get this Lakers number 34 cape? Bleh? Bleh! (Bleh!) I put it in the hoop like bleh! (Bleh!) I heard the crowd screaming out bleh! (Bleh!) I swear that I’m throwing you the facts That’s how I beat DRAQ Bleh! (Bleh!) I put it in the hoop like bleh! (Bleh!) I heard the crowd screaming out bleh! (Bleh!) I swear that I’m throwing you the facts That’s how I beat DRAQ

Who tooted in my special bathroom? It’s a mystery Smells so friggin’ bad in my special bathroom I know the tooter could not have been me Oooooh Who tooted in my special bathroom Mystery I smell (mystery I smell) Smells just like a piss had died inside a friggin’ poop So I know the tooter’s some-one else! (not me!) Oooooh Smells like someone shit their ass And the shit turned into toots This is a mystery and a crime Committed in my special bathroom Ooooooh (I have a special bathroom) (There was a crime) My girlfriend says that I’m the tooter ‘Cause I sometimes toot (‘cause I sometimes toot) But that’s bullshit even though My special bathroom’s where I go toot BUT NOT THIS TIME (NOT THIS TIME!) Who tooted in my special bathroom It’s a mystery (it’s a mystery) My poops don’t smell and farts are clean and piss is clear and fresh So I know the tooter isn’t me Yes the tooter in my special bathroom Isn’t special me!

I’m a beach boy and I’d love to hold your hand On the beach where I love to eat some sand Holding hands while I dine on crunchy sand And you’re my girl WAH WAH WAH WAAAAAAH Yes I’m a beach boy which means I fill my mouth with sand And I swallow, as much as I can stand Sometimes it comes back and I catch it with my hand And you’re my girl WAH WAH WAH WAH Does a beach boy just eat some sand YES JUST SAND Is there anything besides all the sand NO JUST SAND Please stop you are only a man NO NO NO I AM JUST A MAN BUT SOON I’LL BE A LOVELY BEACH I’m a Beach Boy and I’m chowing down on sand I am changing, yes I poop out bloody sand I’m transforming, to a cool guy made of sand And you’re my girl WAH WAH WAH Hey, there, cool cat, you’re lookin’ finer than <HURGH>. Finer than <HURGH>. <strained> I was just eating this beach. Oh, it hurts. But I’m gonna be a beach. <HURGH> Wah wah wah waaaaaah Pretty cool, huh? When I become this beach everyone’ll finally come hang out on me, <HURGH>...but it’s like we beach boys say, drive fast and leave a corpse that’s a beach. Wah wah wah waaaaaah Does the sand taste pretty bland TASTES LIKE SAND Does it hurt to eat all the sand OH GOD YES Will you die from eating the sand YES I’LL DIE BUT COOL GUYS SOMETIMES DIE YEAH!!!!!! Now it’s sunset and I’m lying on the sand Sand is pouring from my eyes and mouth and glands Paramedics all say how cool I am And you’re my girl WAH WAH WAH….WAAAAAAAAAH

Asleep at the wheel of the vengabus Partied too close to the sun Now asleep when we all should be jumpin’ But the vengabus never will come. Yeah the vengabus never will come Asleep at the wheels of the vengabus Laid down his weary venga-head And the uniforms’ sirens are comin’ for the fire and But vengaboys are all vengadead Yeah vengaboys are all vengadead So vengadads, hug vengamothers Vengamoms hug vengasons Big wheels still all a-turning But the vengabus never will come Yeah the vengabus never will come We like to party We like to party We like to party We like to party, whoa

Sometimes I feel, with all the tech in our lives We’ve lost our path and our way Scientists want to teach a car how to drive But not teach a car to pray They wanna teach my Chevy how to get itself around That’s all good and well A Tesla thinks it can see, but it’s blind as can be ‘cause I know it’s headed straight to hell I want to drive Drive my car Drive my car to church Then have my car do the sign of the cross If we can give our cars brains for the loads they’re haulin’ We can give em all knees for to pray and fall on Yeah the Lord is my gps and this is his way If we can put a dang brain in a flatbed Ford Can’t we make it honk its horn in solemn prayer to the lord If we can teach a damn car to drive we can teach it pray Our world is so much, and it’s all so crazy Everywhere you look is pain Is it so dang nuts to know it would help If we could get a Toyota ordained But the nerds want my car to be a sinner like them Teach it to drink and drive and wreck They wanna teach my car to give itself lube And to know about three-person sex I wanna drive Drive my car Drive my car to church Then have my car shake hands with a priest I know that Christ would love cruisin’ in a souped up Jag But he’d love it even better if it worshipped his dad And before it chowed down on gas, it said car grace If we can make a car smart enough to not burn fossils Why the hell is it so hard to teach it all the apostles If we can teach a damn car to drive we can teach it to pray Oh they wanna give my car a big ol’ sexy bod, With two big sexy hands so it can flip off God two times! With a big sexy mouth so it can mouth off at our troops They wanna give my car a butt so it can vodka tampon They’re too busy tryin’ to get my Jeep stoned at the club They won’t try to fill its engine up with Jesus’ love They want my car to see the road, but not his Holy Face They’re too busy tryin’ to get my car to covet my wife That they forgot to teach it how to offer Jesus a ride If we can teach a dang car to drive, we can teach it to pray We can teach a car to french and have sex out of wedlock, so why are things this way? If we can a dang car to drive, we can teach it to pray

Hey, if dolphins are so smart why don't they KICK MY ASS Just come up on the land and come KICK MY ASS But you big dumb dolphins just cry in the ocean Maybe think before you say that you're smarter than me One time i met a dolphin and they said that he was SMART So i asked him what he thought about INFINITE JEST And i asked to see his research on Immanuel Kant And the trainers said I seemed like a VERY COOL GUY If dolphins are so smart why don't they KICK MY ASS Just invent a car for dolphins and come KICK MY ASS Build a gun if you're so smart and come SHOOT MY STUPID ASS Maybe THINK before you say that you're smarter than me If dolphins are so smart where are there SAMURAI SWORDS If dolphins are so smart where is DOLPHIN TWIN PEAKS If dolphins are so smart how come they can't play COUNTER STRIKE How come a dolphin never made four-chan?? WHERE IS DOLPHIN MENSA WHERE IS DOLPHIN MMA WHERE IS DOLPHIN HENTAI WHY WON’T THEY DEBATE ME If dolphins are so smart why don't they KICK MY ASS 1v1 me in the lot back behind my dad's house! Guess the big, smart, dolphin is a BIG DUMB GUY Maybe think before you try to look smart. Idiot.

Lying in bed, worried as hell Thinking of things I’ve never done well But no matter what I’ll always excel At blowing big farts out my butt Whenever I’m anxious, here’s how I start Just name each worry after a fart Pop ‘em out my butt, pop ‘em out my heart Toot toot fart fart It’s OK So we fart a little lullaby Pass some gas, try to laugh and feel fine Keep right on tooting to keep us from crying Toot toot fart fart It’s OK I know you’re tired hurting for sleep A pile of worry, a sad stressed out heap So let’s all let go, with a massive, wet queef Toot fart squelch queef, It’s OK I'll never be succeed TOOT and you’re wrong I’ll never be happy FART and it’s gone I’ll never be loved SQUELCH a new song Honk splurp hoot spew It’s OK So we fart a little lullaby Gas my ass ‘til our faces are dry Fume up the room ‘til we think we’ll all die Squeef plop honk poop it's OK We fart a little lullaby Sing us to sleep, song of high upper thigh Sing a sad chord, hear the sad butt’s reply Toot toot fart fart, it’s OK

Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin’ kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an “L” on her forehead Well the years start comin’ and they don’t stop comin’ Fed to the rules and you hit the ground runnin’ Didn’t make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what’s wrong with takin’ the backstreets You never know if you don’t go You never shine if you don’t glow Hey now, you’re an all star, get your game on, go play Hey now, you’re a rockstar, get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin’ stars break the mold Well the years start comin’ and they don’t stop comin’ Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin’ Didn’t make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what’s wrong with takin’ the backstreets You never know if you don’t go You never shine if you don’t glow Hey now, you’re an all star, get your game on, go play Hey now, you’re a rockstar, get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin’ stars break the mold